Are we out of the woods yet? Are we out of the woods yet?
Are we in the clear yet? Are we in the clear yet?
I have this Taylor Swift song running through my head like a soundtrack of my new life. The last thing I say when my head hits the pillow is “just make it through the night, Ma.” The first thing I do in the morning is check my phone to make sure I didn’t miss the dreaded phone call. Then I breathe a sigh of relief. My life was not always so symbiotic with my mother. It just happened 8 months ago with a simple call from my father. He said my mother was in the hospital. That was an unusual occurrence then. Now it’s the new normal. My mother has spent equal time at home and in the hospital/rehab over the fall and winter. Now the hospital is her primary place of residence. Our relationship has always been close. Now it is like a folie du deux. That’s when twins share the same psychotic delusion. Only in my case it’s somatic. Now that my mother suffers from declining health I sometimes feel the same ailments. Her symptoms stem from a broken body. Mine are from a broken heart. I feel tightness in my chest. I have shallow breathing. I am fearful of death. I cry when she says “it’s not worth it. I can’t do this anymore.” She is old and tired. I know she has lived a good life. I just can’t let her go. The past few months have been teamwork. We have carried each other to the finish line.
My family asks how my mother is doing. I don’t know how to answer. How is she doing compared to what? What time frame are we using? Are we talking about physical health, emotional well being, lab reports, vital signs? Are we comparing this morning to now or comparing last week to today? The other day a coworker asked how she was and I instinctively said fine. Then I said, not really fine, actually she not fine at all.
I used to be the planner of the family. I know what day I am taking off 6 months from now. I have tickets months in advance. I am not spontaneous. I don’t like surprises. I like consistency. I walk the fine line between stability and stagnation. I like order and structure. An elderly parent in poor physical health throws all semblance of routine out the window. I can’t tell you what day would be best to do anything. I don’t know what I’ll be doing tomorrow. My day revolves around visiting my mother. This week she was at the rehab, the ER, PCU, SICU,ICU, and now we are waiting to find out if she will be transferred to another unit. We have dealt with fluid in the lungs, dehydration, rehydration, pneumonia, low blood pressure, high blood pressure, unstable blood sugars. Then after receiving the information from the medical team, the phone calls are made to family members. How is she ? Are we out of the woods yet?